my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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