i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize