Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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