just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
