im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
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