Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
