Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
