We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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