Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
