I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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