She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
