Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize