Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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