Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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