Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
