My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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