she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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