If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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