someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
