I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
