I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
