i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
