And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
