gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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