What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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