i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I met the friendliest cop last night
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
