dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize