is your mom at the bar?
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
