actually, I'm a sock model
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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