Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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