my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
