My pussy is not your playground.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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