is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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