it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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