Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
