we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
