Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
