i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
