I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My butt remains clenched, sir.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
