I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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