are you so shy because you have an std?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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