like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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