Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
