i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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