Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm jealous of your bromance
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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