I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
