I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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