dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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