So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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