I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
