I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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