Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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