that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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