I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
