we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
third nipple confirmed
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
