he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You ate ashes out of my bong
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
