I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
