If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize