I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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