I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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