Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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