Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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