So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
