sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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