it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Sorry about my life...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
