Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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