my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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