well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
