Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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